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THE COLLABORATIVE PENMANSIP OF
THE NONSUCH CLUMBER PUPS

By Ronnie Watt

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This is a collection of five "lists", all dealing with Ronnie's experiences as a third-time father. His Ashley (Ch Frejakalgens Medusa Of Nonsuch) gave birth to a litter of ten pups (3 females, 7 males) on June 5, 1997. Ronnie lives in Roodepoort (a neighbour city of Johannesburg), South Africa. His kennel name is Nonsuch Clumber Spaniels.

Etiquette For The Modern Pup
1. Do stalk and attack your sibling when he/she is engaged in the act of Number Two...it's so hilarious to see them plop down in their own poop.
2. Be well-mannered and walk over to the newspaper on which to do Number One. Wait for Master's praise...and then do a soft-shoe shuffle in the middle of the puddle. Watch the smile disappear from Master's face.
3. Never ever do Number One or Number Two on dirtied newspaper. It is simply not hygienic. Wait for clean newspaper to be spread in the box, then do Number One. Wait for Master to clean up and spread fresh newspaper. Then you can do Number Two. Wait again for Master to clean up and spread fresh newspaper. Then rip it to bits. Then wait for Master.......
4. Never be loud during day time. Wait for 3 o'clock in the morning and then start up a game of "Who Can Wail The Loudest". When Master comes to inspect, pretend he's a burglar and attack his bare feet and shins. Go for the ankle, if you can, and watch Master perform his version of the soft-shoe-shuffle-in-a-puddle. He is getting nearly good enough to audition for a Broadway dance show.
5. Table manners are for sissy dogs. Slurp as loud as you can. Stand two feet in the bowl for a better reach. Burp as loud as you can. Bump everyone out of the way. Better still, bump them into the bowl because all the porridge will stick to their fur which you can later lick off them.
6. Show that your are a connoiseur of fine foods. Spit out whatever is new and strange. Or pretend to choke. That will get the Chef's attention!
7. Liven up meal time. Introduce Cabaret a la Carte. Here's how. Quickly gobble yourself full and then, while your siblings are still eating, stalk them and bite their tails and watch them nosedive straight into the porridge.
8. Be be polite with sleeping space. Allow all your siblings to snuggle up against one another and only then do you climb on top of them... much softer, much warmer and no one will poke a paw in your face.
9. After a meal, groan as though you have wind or severe tummy cramps. That is a sure way of getting yourself picked up for a rub and a cuddle.

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Gardening Tips For The Modern Pup
1. Refuse to have a close encounter with lawn unless it has been mowed short. You'll look a poor imitation of Nureyev or Fonteyn as you leap and pirouette from one spot to another to escape the long grassblades which tickle your pads.
2. Refuse to have a close encounter with lawn unless it has been mowed short. You'll look a poor imitation of Nureyev or Fonteyn as you leap and pirouette from one spot to another to escape the long grassblades which tickle your pads.
2. Show that you are a connoiseur of all things bright and beautiful. Head straight for the flower bed, especially if that's where the winter bulbs are in full pride. Their leaves are soft and juicy. And so what if you (accidentally, of course) trample the long-stemmed tulips into pulp...a tulip is a flower is a flower is a flower.
3. Explore the vastness of the garden...especially those tight little nooks and crevices where you can get stuck head first. This is where you practice and perfect your most heart-rendering cries.
4. Search out the muddiest spots. A white puppy pelt is for sissy dogs. You don't want to look like a sissy dog, do you? Sit in it, roll in it, paw it, eat it. Push your siblings into it.
5. Weed the garden. Especially get rid of the clover. Accidentally swallow some of the clover. Don't vomit immediately...wait till you get back to your newly freshened-up puppy box.
6. Howl to be taken back to the puppy box. When Master does take you there, howl to be taken back into the garden.
7. Head straight for the unfenced swimming pool. Watch Master run the 100 meters in Olympic record-breaking time.
8. Inspect the garden hose. In time to come, you'll find it most entertaining to shred the thing to bits.
9. Ditto for the nice yellow plastic watering can, Master's gardening shoes, the hand spade and fork, the (very, very) expensive micro-irrigation system....

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How To Get Even With Humans Who Don't Want To Play
With You All Day And All Night
1. Haul yourself over the ledge of the puppy box. Do Number Two right in the doorway of the puppy room. Go hide in a corner where you howl as loud and for as long as you can. Master will come to investigate. Master will step into Number Two.
2. Do the above at 3 o'clock in the morning when Master will rush barefoot to your aid.
3. Beg for a game in the t.v. room. Wait for the telephone to ring. When Master leaves the room to answer the phone, yank the table cloth off the coffee table. With it, yank off the mug of coffee, Master's favourite strawberry-flavoured Italian wafer biscuits and Master's newspaper. Don't chew the Italian wafer biscuits. Crush them into the knotted, virginal white, pure wool carpet. Trample and tear the other objects. Never, ever repeat in decent company those words Master used when he returned!
4. While still in the t.v. room, pretend to fall asleep. When Master reads the remnants of his newspaper (see point 3), sneak up and chew the carpet (again as in point 3) so you can get to the crumbs (point 3 once again). You might not be able to retrieve all the crumbs, but your slobber and gob will dissolve the crumbs into a pink paste which you can smear into the fibres which will help liven up that old rug.
5. Mob Master when he steps into the puppy box to tidy up. Split into two strike teams. Half the pups must attack one shoe, the other half go for the second shoe. Watch Master trip. Watch Master fall into various Number Ones and Number Twos. Master's mouth ought to be scrubbed with strong soap to clean it after saying all those dirty words.
6. Put the most innocent expression on your face. Master will think you are soooo cute and will pick you up. Snuggle into his neck. Give contented little grunts. Then strike like lightning and attack those ears! Master was, in any case, in need of plastic surgery...and lots of it, too.

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Puppy Ettiquette On Visiting The Vet
Rule #1 You'll be going for a drive in Master's car to the surgery. Master's car has black leather upholstery. Black leather tastes nice. Chew it. Hear master use those horrible words once again...it must be directed at the idiot drivers around him?
Rule #2 You were wiped clean and brushed before you were put in the car. No self-respecting Clumber wants to look like a Mommy's baby. Wait for a sibling to do a Number One or Two (on the black leather upholstery) and go trample/squat/roll in it. Now you'll look (and smell) the part.
Rule #3 Howl all the way to the surgery. If Master turns up the volume of the car radio, it's not because he wants to drown out the backseat chorus, it's encouragement for you to howl louder.
Rule #4 On arrival at the surgery, insist on being attended to immediately irrespective of how many other creatures have been queing up long before you. How? Stalk the Old Lady's parrot. Watch the parrot squawk. Watch the Old Lady squawk. Watch the nurse put you at the top of the patient list.
Rule #5 Insist on going in to the vet's examination room all at once. Immediately do a Number One AND a Number Two on the clean floor.
Rule #6 Howl to be picked up. Lick the vet in his face. Nip the vet's nose. Also nip his ear while you are at it. Watch the vet pretend he likes puppies.
Rule #7 Howl to be put down. Go explore. Explore equals chew. Chew the paper roll, the coasters on the chair wheels, the legs of the examination table, the door, the vet's shoes, Master's shoes, your siblings' tails and ears, more of the paper roll...
Rule #8 Show your disgust when the vet pokes his finger in your mouth. Vomit all over him. Watch the vet pretend he doesn't mind.
Rule #9 After examination you'll be returned to the car where you'll be left all alone for a while so that Master can go wash down the floor in the examination room and bribe the vet to agree to remain your vet. This is your chance to chew some more of that black leather upholstery (or what's left of it).
Rule #10 Sleep all the way back home.

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Ten Ways To Take Revenge On The Two-Legged Ones...
1. Wait till after the garden service has cleaned up and manicured the lawn and then go do a gang poop on it.
2. Refuse to eat your meal and persist until you get fed with a spoon...and don't rush the chewing and swallowing!
3. After you've been bathed and dried and groomed for the dog show, go scavenge amongst the shrubbery in the garden for something really yucky and smelly and roll in it.
4. Pull out the computer plug. (This is what they call "sweet revenge".)
5. Slobber over the t.v. screen. (Another form of "sweet revenge".)
6. Develop blocked anal glands and insist on sitting on the front passenger seat when you get driven home after your visit to the vet to have them cleared. The smell is guaranteed to stick to upholstery for at least a week.
7. Develop a hot spot on the crown of your head which necessitates a marine-style haircut for easier treatment...do this 2 weeks before a major dog show.
8. Start a wrestling match over toys but do it loudly and at 2 o'clock in the morning.
9. Chew the garden hose...but chew it across the length of the hose.
10. Pretend to pose patiently for a photograph and at just the right moment, squint your eyes or stick out your tongue or drop flat or walk off or cock your head or....

1997 Ronnie Watt. All rights reserved

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